Thoughts

About this website

The old blog was hella cringy and I was ranting so much. Nevertheless, I hope I'll be posting more about my thoughts here.

Entry n°1: Constant stuff in my mind

I'm not sure if my friends consider me their friend.
I really want to quit university.

Entry n°2: 12/07/2023

A "friend" of mine threatened me today because I said I didn't like her friend who made fun of the way I talk. He told me I was an hypcrite, liar, awful human being and also I should be more careful with what I say because I could get hurt eventually. It's been many hours and the truth is I feel scared and vulnerable, I have no one to talk to about this either.

Entry n°3: 01/08/2023

I feel terribly alone.

Entry n°4: 04/08/2023

My thesis project got approved!

Entry n°5: 05/08/2023

Why is everyone sad/mad? I talked to two friends today and both of them ignored me.

Entry n°6: 09/08/2023

I've been thinking about a period of time when my classmates tend to insult me with no reason, this was like 2015-2019. I remember being insulted with homophobic and transphobic slurs, they liked to interrupt me when I talked calling me "dumb ass bitch". I remember I asked for help with my parents but I also got insulted (they were dealing with a "divorce"), this ended abruptly in february 2019 when I got drunk at a party and an ex-classmate sexually asault me; Nowadays I can't help thinking about sex without disgust. I don't remember if I ever told anyone about this, but this highly impacted on my relationships. I haven't got any IRL friends because I'm scared of people I dont want to experience that again.
This awful moment of my life impacted on my life also on my decisions, I picked a career that I hate because of self hate, at University I couldn't improve, I didn't got any friends and I was a mediocre student, this caused me problems to find professional practice and a stable job.
The only group of friends that support me I met them online at a discord server in late 2018, we call ourselves "velvet room", I really appreciate them and they have supported me a lot when I had mental breakdowns, and having a lot of fun when we play videogames or share stuff when we talk. Every one of them are unique and special in their own way.
I'm wasting my life in every aspect, professional and personal.

Entry n°7: 15/08/2023

I wish I had more friends, or closer relationships with them. I'm not a relevant person, If someday I disappear no one will notice or care about it.

Entry n°8: 24/08/2023

One of my closest friends started to ghost me. I don't know why, I asked her what happened and I apologized if I did something bad, but she told me that she does not get what I'm saying. I can't help being so insecure with these things.
Also I got a new job as a data analyst!

Entry n°9: 28/08/2023

I'm trying to improve as a person, I took a emotional intelligence course. I hope to restore my relationships.

Entry n°10: 02/09/2023

What is happening?

Entry n°10: 10/09/2023

I got a great job! It has a wonderful working environment I have to admit I'm pretty excited about it.
I miss my best friend, she hasn't talked to me in days, I wonder if she's mad. I talked to her a few weeks ago but she wasn't responsive nor gentle.

Entry n°10: 12/09/2023

I'm really tired, I worked all day long. I really need time to study for my thesis and practice SQL and R.

Entry n°11: 17/09/2023

I wonder where is everyone? No one is here. Why?